Welcome to The Chairs

THE CHAIRS. FOR YOUR GREAT RELATIONSHIPS!

IF YOU’RE GONNA BE TOGETHER, WHY NOT HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP?

In the strange reality that is life on the Planet Earth in 2020, being married, living together or being a parent is very likely to be…more challenging than perhaps ever before.

You’re probably spending more time with your significant others. WAY more time. Like, almost 24/7 unless you lose the coin toss (maybe on purpose) and have to go to the grocery store.

And, even if you have gone back to work, it’s possible your relationship took a hit. That all that time together created some challenges, in how (or if) you communicate, trust, closeness, sex, you name it. And, if you have kids, the pandemic may also have impacted those relationships. Fear of what’s happening—like having to wear a mask, not hug people, being cooped up and out of school, with limited opportunities to play with friends.

AND, The Chairs are not just a great way to reverse the potential negative impact the pandemic can have on relationships. The Chairs can help you improve your relationships regardless of what’s going on around you.

In one recent poll, since the United States started down the pandemic road, just 18% of couples said their communication was good. That’s LESS than one in 5! Divorce is up. So is domestic violence. It’s no wonder. Few of us planned to spend ALL of our time with our partner, and, if you have them, your kids.

That’s why The Chairs rock. For romantic partners (friends can also use them!) and parents with kids.

The Chairs are a Leadership approach to relationship. They help bring awareness (which is critically important to the health of relationships), presence, listening and intentionality to the relationship. The Chairs are based on nearly two decades of experience on the front lines of Leadership Development. What we’ve seen and heard from participants during our Leadership programs, almost without exception, was that they noticed a radical shift in the quality of their home life. Better communication. More presence. Deeper levels of listening, Forgiveness. Deeper levels of listening. More…FUN

ABOUT THE CHAIRS…AND HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THEM.

The Chairs are a powerful way for people to come together in a positive, meaningful way. A place to gain clarity, and to connect and understand at a deeper level. And, right now, the Chairs Introductory Program is absolutely FREE! If you believe your key relationships could be better, stronger, deeper. Guess what? You’re right! With The Chairs.

Amazon

Wood: Less Expensive. Paint any color!

Amazon

Poly wood (composite) More expensive. Lots of colors!

If you’re out of work or Adirondack chairs just aren’t in your budget, find two chairs that can become ‘The Chairs’ for you and your partner or child. Painting them and placing them in a special location will help create a great space for coming together.

Before You Start Your Chairs Sessions…

Bring a Timer/Cell Phone. You’ll need some way to keep time. We recommend using a cell phone to set a timer for 5 minutes, 10 minutes and 20 minutes Why limit a chairs session to 20 minutes? So it stays focused and doesn’t go to a story, complaining …or blame.

Once you set the alarm, notice if you can put the phone where you can’t see it (or aren’t tempted to check it. Silence incoming emails, phone calls and texts.

The Chairs are NOT Therapy. Or Self-Help.

Which makes sense, because we aren’t therapists. We're totally into Leadership, which is really, when you get right down to it, an aware, intentional, values-driven (More on that later) way to walk though this world, relate to others, and live your life. And, because we’ve seen the huge difference Awareness-based Leadership learning can make in a human being’s life, and in their relationships. Any human being. Every human being!

That is not to say anything negative about therapy or self-help books. They both have their place. This is an Awareness-based Leadership approach to improving relationship. We’re not getting into childhood stuff or requiring you to read a nightstand full of books. And what if only one person in the relationship is interested in therapy or self-help? It can create even more imbalance in the relationship.

The Chairs are a practice, and a process.

This means, as with any practice, the more you do it, assuming you’re aware, present and intentional, the better you get (don’t worry, we’ve got you covered on the aware, present and intentional). Yet, the chairs don’t take a lot of time. About an hour a week. That’s all…though you can certainly take a seat more often!

We strongly recommend Adirondack chairs, if they’re in your budget. They’re the classic lake and cottage chair. They ‘say’ take a seat. Relax. Stay a while. There’s something familiar and comforting about Adirondacks.

When we were starting Three Tall Trees, our Leadership Development company, Ted and I spent many an hour in Adirondacks exploring ideas and concepts, playing what if, eating pizza, and maybe most importantly, dreaming about what we could create, from a Leadership perspective, that would have a positive impact on people’s lives.

Adirondack chairs rock!

Tell Us About Your Experience

At the end of the program, we’d love to hear what you thought, what you noticed about the impact of The Chairs process on your relationship, and more.

Oh, and a picture or video of you and your partner and/or child, in The Chairs. Also, please let us know if we can use your picture. and what you said, to promote The Chairs.

If YOU Participate in Our Pilot Program…

If you participate, thanks for being part of our Pilot group. Your input will help us fine-tune our Programs. In addition to our free Introductory Program, we also plan to offer a continuation of The Chairs Introductory Program on a monthly basis. For $20 a month, you’ll receive exercises, videos, questions and more…all designed to keep The Chairs fresh and interesting. You can choose either Romantic Relationship or Parent/Child. If you want both, it’s just $30 a month.

If your Introductory Program experience gets you excited about the possibilities for your relationship, we also offer The Chairs Advanced Program, which goes deeper into Awareness, Listening and Curiosity while adding other critical Leadership Skills to the mix. Skills like: Working through Ego, Limiting Beliefs, Reaction Vs. Response, Polarization, Boundaries, How to Hold a Great Difficult Conversation and more.

Online and Phone (Facetime or Zoom) coaching are available to support you, and as with all of our Programs, you can choose to end your participation at any time.

The Chairs are an opportunity. To understand. To grow. To connect more deeply. And, to create a better relationship. WAY better.

Time spent in The Chairs can make both of you more intelligent. Emotionally intelligent.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) was popular back in the ‘90s and continues to be the ’ticket’ to a great relationship, and a happy, balanced human being. Emotional intelligence is the work of psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman.

Why is EQ important? Well, a lack of it can blow up any relationship. In fact, a high EQ is the basis for deep, meaningful relationships.

Emotional Intelligence has four main components:

• Self-awareness (the foundation of a great relationship)
• Ability to self-manage (manage your emotions)
• Social awareness (Empathy and kindness)
• Ability to manage relationships effectively

These four elements of EQ are, as you might suspect, very much interrelated. It’s hard to manage your emotions if you’re not aware of them. Same with empathy. If you’re not aware that you can slow down and feel what’s really happening with your partner, you may not be able to empathize with them. Same with relationships. Your ability to maintain strong, healthy and deep relationships is directly related to how you show up emotionally. If you blame, shame, fly off the handle or in general make it all about you, your relationships will suffer.

Before you get started…

• Take a few minutes to appreciate each other. Being in relationship isn’t easy. Committing to the work necessary to create a better relationship isn’t easy either.
• Make Agreements. Agreements can help you start off on the right foot and keep your Chairs sessions on track. Check in on whether you’re both honoring your agreements. If they’re not serving you, re-visit them. Here are some examples of Agreements: Let’s agree to hold each other high, as a great human being. Let’s be kind to each other. Let’s not talk over each other. Let’s agree that our time in The Chairs is important…we come together no matter what. Let’s agree that if we need an extra session in The Chairs to resolve a bigger issue, we make it happen. Let’s agree to hug when we’re done.

When you’re speaking…

• Use ‘I’ statements. ‘I noticed that I felt frustrated…’ I felt angry when…’. This can feel clunky at first, but they work! The goal is to keep it about you and how you feel. Blaming and shaming the other is NOT going to go well.
• Speak from the heart. Thinking about what you’re going to say, planning, etc., is not effective.
• It’s not about being right. Or winning. Or putting someone in their place or setting them straight. It’s about being honest and KIND.
• Don’t make assumptions and go to story. If you don’t really know, and you’re making an assumption, chances are, you’re wrong. Naming your assumption during the check or when you’re speaking is a very good practice.

When you’re listening…

• Listen to understand, not to respond. Being curious, open and really seeking to understand the other person is a gift. GIVE IT!
• If you’re planning, your response daydreaming or thinking about something else, you’re not listening. Asking yourself…’am I listening’ can help bring you back to focusing on the other person.
• Don’t take ‘it’ personally. Guess what. ‘It’ (whatever it is) isn't about you. We human beings are masters at projection. It’s not about you. Never is, never will be. Here’s why. Someone else, in the very same situation may not be offended or take it personally. At all!

When you’re talking to each other…

• Remember that you’re sitting in the Chairs to nurture and grow your relationship. Give your partner some slack. They may not speak or process or be like you. GREAT! Honor and respect the fact that they have the courage to sit with you in The Chairs.
• Thank each other. Sometimes, conversations can be challenging. Thank them anyway. They CARE. About you, and about having a better relationship. That’s GOLD.
• Honor the other. If you want to continue the conversation after The Chairs session has ended,

What if a chairs session goes off the rails and gets argumentative, blaming or heated? STOP. Especially if it feels unsafe.

Either person can call a ‘stop’ to a Chairs session if it’s turned argumentative. Breathing, taking a walk, and remembering that you CARE about the person sitting next to you in the Chair can also be helpful.

The Chairs take a Leadership approach to romantic relationship. You may think, ‘well, that’s not very romantic’.

Au contraire! (to the contrary for you non-French speakers!). The Chairs is an intentional approach to growing and deepening relationship. It’s a practice-based process, meaning, it asks that couples come together on a regular basis…to talk.

The Chairs are a commitment. An hour a week, for the sake of strengthening your relationship. You probably spend more time deciding whether to wash your hands or use hand sanitizer! An hour a week is NOT a lot of time…but some days, you may not feel like sitting in the chairs. You might be pissed off at your partner. Or tired. Or struggling at work. Sit anyway. The Chairs can become the glue that strengthens your relationship.

In many relationships these conversations happen sporadically, if at all. Resentment can build up. Tension increases, and soon, there’s a ‘walking on eggshells’ feel to the relationship. Avoidance sets in. The silent treatment. It can go on for days. Even weeks. So, an hour a week in The Chairs may be a lot less painful…and a lot MORE beneficial to the quality of your relationships and your life.

This is a four-week program, with two sessions in The Chairs per week. If you feel you want or need to have a conversation with your partner, and your next Chairs session isn’t that day, ASK FOR ONE!

The Chairs are Love…with Leadership, and it’s a Leadership move to ask for what you want!

The Chairs are a great way for you and your child (or children) to connect at a deeper, more meaningful level. They’re also a great way to help your child to become more ‘emotionally intelligent’, which can tee them up for a happier, more purposeful and meaningful life.

You’ve likely heard of the term ‘EQ’ which is the emotional/feeling version of IQ. Emotional quotient vs. Intelligence quotient. EQ is often referred to as ‘Emotional Intelligence. And here’s the cool thing about it. Children, even very young children, can learn how to become more emotionally intelligent!

In a survey, American parents were asked what they want for their kids. More than 90 percent say one of their top priorities is that their children be caring. This makes sense: Kindness and concern for others are held as moral virtues in nearly every society and every major religion. But when you ask children what their parents want for them, 81 percent say their parents value achievement and happiness over caring (The Atlantic, December, 2019).

In other words, there’s a huge gap between what parents say they value, for their kids and what they actually put their energy and attention to. While your child’s happiness may be a great thing to want for them, studies have shown that about 90% of happiness is internal—NOT determined by events or anything external. So buying your child a cell phone of ice cream is not nearly as important (and doesn’t have the long-term impact) of helping them become a more emotionally intelligent human being!

Why is EQ important? Well, a lack of it can blow up any relationship. In fact, a high EQ is the basis for deep, meaningful relationships.

Emotional Intelligence was popular back in the ‘90s and continues to be the ’ticket’ to a great relationship, and a happy, balanced human being. Emotional intelligence is the work of psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman.

Emotional Intelligence has four main components:

• Self-awareness (there it is…AGAIN!)
• Ability to self-manage (manage your emotions)
• Social awareness (Empathy and kindness)
• Ability to manage relationships effectively

These four elements of EQ are, as you might suspect, very much interrelated. It’s hard to manage your emotions if you’re not aware of them. Same with empathy. If you’re not aware that you can slow down and feel what’s really happening with your child, you may not be able to empathize with them. Same with relationships. Your ability to maintain strong, healthy and deep relationships is directly related to how you show up emotionally. If you blame, shame, fly off the handle or in general make it all about you, your relationships will suffer. Same with your child. If they become self-focused and spoiled, becoming more emotionally intelligent could prove very difficult.

Time with your child in the Chairs can help them become more self-aware, more able to express what they’re feeling and more kind and empathetic: skills that will serve them their whole life.

Before you get start sitting in The Chairs…

• Tell your child WHY you want them to sit with you in The Chairs. Kids have a very finely-tuned BS meter. Whatever is true, bring it. Give them room to tell you what they think and feel about your reasons.

• Explain how it will work. Again, transparency is important.

• Make an agreement or two (As you progress, you can ask them if they want any new Agreements). Some agreements you and your child may want to consider: Let’s have fun. Let’s make sure we do this twice a week.

• If your child is resistant…There’s a strong possibility your child will not want to sit in The Chairs. They may consider it weird, or the thought of it might make them uncomfortable. If so, reiterate that your goal is to understand them and to be able to meet them where they are. Se4 if they’d be willing to speak (use the questions, etc.) and JUST LISTEN. If they’re still resistant, ask them to try it for two minutes. Ask a question and…listen. Thank them.

Kids, just like adults, want to be seen, heard and valued for who they are. If you keep at it…gently, and you listen…your child is likely to soften, and may even grow to LOVE sitting in The Chairs with you.

When your child is speaking…

• Ask questions. Be curious. REALLY curious!
• Keep it light. And fun. The Chairs for parents and kids has fun questions, games and exercises your child.
• Thank them for their words. Showing appreciation for their willingness and courage is huge.

When you’re speaking…

• No blame. No shame. Zero. Blaming, shaming or making your child wrong can shut them down.
• You don’t have to use your full 5 minutes. Keep it short and to the point. Tell them how you feel, and how you feel about them. Positivity!

Everyone, regardless of age, gender, introvert or extrovert, wants three things: to be seen, heard and valued. This is particularly true of kids. They often feel marginalized and unheard.

So, the most important thing a parent can do to improve their relationship with a child is simple (but not easy). It’s to listen…to understand.

That can be challenging, especially if you’re used to planning a response while the other person is talking. Even more so if you’re being blamed!

So, how can you listen to understand? You listen with intention and awareness. Entering into a conversation with the intention to stay present, and to not take it (anything) personally, and the awareness to not plan a response, instead bringing your full focus to your child’s words, emotions, body language, everything, is a GIFT. And, it’s almost always well-received, even greeted with surprise, because it’s soooooo rare.

We recommend that one parent do the full month. Then, if you’re a married or partnered couple, the other parent does a second month with the child. Why? Because The Chairs is a process, and a practice, and alternating sessions won’t allow either parent to ‘catch a rhythm’, to build trust and to create better understanding and a deeper connection.

It can also feel like ganging up if both parents are present at the same time. More of an interrogation than a conversation

So what do you do if your child is resistant?

They may, after all, find the idea of sitting in a chair next to their mom or dad…weird or scary.

You have a conversation!

Something like this…

“ (Name), I really want to understand you, and what you’re feeling and thinking. I want to be a better mom/dad to you. I want us to be able to talk about anything and everything.

My request is that we give it a shot. I really want to listen to what you have to say.

Can we give it a try? It only takes 20 minutes. I think it could really help me understand you.

We’re human beings. We have egos. And experiences (good, bad and neutral). And, in many cases, trauma from those experiences. We can come up with an endless list of reasons why NOT to do something. Not enough time. It’s too hard. It’s uncomfortable. He/She is too sensitive. It’s too hot/windy/humid. I’m too busy. It’s too emotional.

Notice!

Notice if you’re making an excuse. Notice if you’re committed.

Relationships are like plants. They need regular care or they wither…and shrink.

If your relationship, whether it’s with a significant other or a child, isn’t healthy, The Chairs can help change that dynamic.

Unhealthy relationships have some telltale signs:

• There’s avoidance of conflict.
• There’s a sense of ‘being careful’ or ‘walking on eggshells’ when you’re around the other person.
• There’s avoidance of deeper conversations. The weather, Trump’s latest ‘thing’ or what color to paint a bedroom, are not going to move your relationship forward.
• There is a tendency for one or both partners (or parent and child) to go to a ‘fight or flight’ response. That can take many forms: angry outbursts, blame, shaming, or the silent treatment, running away or refusing to discuss an issue.

We humans have a finely-tuned fight or flight reaction, a throwback to the days of dealing with saber-toothed tigers, warring tribes and lots of other scary and dangerous stuff. That reactivity can show up today in the form of avoidance, stone-walling, being argumentative or leaving. Over time, it can make a relationship toxic.

The people involved can become polarized (similar to Republicans and Democrats—where both parties act as if they’re the ‘good guys’ and the other party is absolutely horrible). Once people are polarized, it can seem very difficult, even impossible, to change the dynamic. The Chairs…and a Chairs coach…can help!

If you and your partner or you and your child are struggling with your relationship, help is available. Coaching, either online or through Facetime or Zoom, can make all the difference!